• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

• Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.

• Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

• Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.

• Mom: Where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.

• Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

• In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.

• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.

• Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I'm still making payments.