"MAY I haouve your yedention pleez?", she thunders from a loudspeaker, perched on a satellite. "Will the real Lola Kutty please stend up? Please stend up." Actors at a movie shoot look up, startled, and a hapless boom mike man gets pelted with a coconut. Welcome to the weird, wild, and self-consciously wacky world of Lola TV.

Lola Kutty, a.k.a Channel [V]'s "beauty on duty", is the latest addition to the channel's long roster of parody characters. The bespectacled, mallipoo-sporting, heavily ("Malayali") accented Lola even has her own show — Celebrity Forum/Lola TV— in which she plays interviewer to assorted Bollywood personalities.

It all began...

So how did it all happen? "I was in Calicut and some man passing by asked me for directions. He was from Channel [V] and was very impressed with me and told me to apply to become a VJ... Even I thought, all this Simi, Karan, have talk shows. Why can't the common man (sic) also host a show? So I came to Mumbai." And music television hasn't been the same since.

*for more just try google-ing her next time!*

dis female is amzin re...her accent is so kewl .....u knw wat ...another vj ..vj sarah was in iswk b4....she was lyk de most hyp-ed gurl durin her 10th 11th n 12th .....u can say every guys's fantasy

-- Edited by MackD at 03:39, 2006-07-03

'Zimbly' Lola

She's the "Beauty on duty" on Channel [V]. What's it that makes Lola Kutty special? Read on...

KUTTY'S BIG TIME: Lola's screen looks.

I cannot tell a lie. I'm in the know.

Lola Kutty's identity is such a well guarded secret that when I fall upon a piece of information about her name, college, and Chennai connections, little red horns spring up. "Squeal," says a voice, "Tell everybody everything," it goads.

We should get her to admit it, shouldn't we?

"But it ees oll hush-hush, no?" says the "beauty on duty", another of Channel [V]'s caricatures, after Quick Gun Murugan and Udham Singh. "Like thet onlly how can I tell? Chaanell [V] will sue me, and I will haave to dress up specially for court." So what she wore now was a costume? "No, no. I have to wear a white sari. Because it will be my day of mourning."

Lola, with the curly, oiled hair, mallippoo, huge spectacles, and pro-per silk sari, has fibs for everything. They come quick, dodging every probe, mincing all logic. In her show Celebrity Forum/Lola TV on Channel [V], Lola does celeb interviews, but they almost always end with her interviewee doubling up with laughter, or, in the case of Milind Soman and Boman Irani, chasing her around the studio screaming her name. "At this rate, my mother is worried I will marry a north Indian," she says, "Chee, I don't like any north Indian boys. I have told her to look out for Malayali boys. Of course, if Abhishek Bachchan tells me he louves me, then I will definitely say yes."

The lady claims she is in Chennai on vacation, dropping by on her way home, to Kerala. But who vacations in Chennai to die overcooked in May? "My cousins are here, so I came. They're thinking: oh, this Lola has gone to Bombay and become celebrity and all. She will have good contacts and know good boys. Suddenly, they have full love and affection for me." So she's here fulfilling "family duties".

Tempting offer

Lola wanted to start Lola TV for "the Kerala audience", but Channel [V] invited her to `Come, hang with us'. "The offer was tempting, and I thought maybe I could go abroad, and jumped at it." About the "home" audience that now watches her along with the rest of the country, she says, "I know some Malayalis who want to lynch me, but what I like is that at least now, people know there is a language called Malayalam, and that all south Indians are not Madrasis."

She goes on to narrate, in a slightly dying accent (probably because she was rightly cheesed off), how she explained to someone up north that South Indian is not a language, and South India is not a single state. "We have no right to laugh at Americans who can't name all their states," she says.

South Indian demography may be dawning upon many in the country, thanks to her show, but surely, she realises that she is selling a stereotype? "What stereotype? I'm like this only." As I scoff disbelievingly, privy to her deep dark non-Keralite secrets, she says, "I'm not supposed to say where I'm from, no? These are some restrictions the channel has put on me. They're horrible, I know. Sometimes, when I ask for four scoops of tender coconut ice-cream, they give me only two."

(Liar detected! Move in, Rapidfire Trap)

What were you doing before you joined [V]?

"I was a teacher in Kerala"

Will you go back to teaching?

"Aah, but I'm getting proposals. Maybe I'll get married."

So? What's the connection?

"Er... I will be a working woman, of course. Oh, I'll write a book! Lola's logic!"

Have you heard of Sister Stella, the Malayali nurse on RadioCity? A relative, perhaps?

"No, no. She's not real. But she puts on very good accent, no? I'd do hats off to her, if I had a hat."

Do people laugh at how you look and speak, or do they laugh at your jokes?

"See I won't try to be modern in the skimpy clothes sense. There are Katrina and Mallika Sherawat to wear mini-skirts. I'm just being myself on TV. I don't know what people laugh at."

I try hard-hitting questions, traps, and even shameless begging, but a-fib-for-everything Lola has me stifling so many laughs, that I can't even scream "Will the real Lola Kutty please stand up?!"

Evidence and confessions are just overrated. Next time, I'll just make do with hearsay and gossip.