At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.
first law:
a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, untill on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.
second law:
the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increament or decreament of the bank balance.
third law:
the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three legged chicken running along beside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hr. the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that he knew about the chicken, as a matter of fact the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. The salesman said ' That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard. How do they taste?' The farmer said ' I don't know. We can't catch 'em.'
Kids are smarter than they used to be. And they do say the dandiest things! Check out the following wisecracks and wisdom and you be the judge!
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
There'sa little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, A big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says... "Now she knows."
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
**MiSs all you ISM ppl..mm i miss ISM like anything-lemme tel you one thing, ISM is like the best place in the world no matter how strict they might get..i hate BSM**
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
THINGS TO SAY WHEN URE CAUGHT SLEEPING IN OFFICE --->>
• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me." • "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!" • "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." • "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." • "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress." • "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." • "The coffee machine is broken..." • "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." • " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
__________________
~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Instructions: To a jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316 SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460sK oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25sC heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Enjoy your Chocolate Chip Cookies
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules. A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the ****pit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the ****pit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.
Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.
The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
__________________
~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
__________________
~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
>>Two Questions >> > >> > >> >Question 1: >> > >> >If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, >>three who >> >were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had >>syphilis, >> >would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next >>question >> >before looking at the response for this one. >> > >> >Question 2 : >> > >> >It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote >>counts. Here are >> >the facts about the three candidates. >> > >> > Candidate A: >> > >> >Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an >>astrologist. He >> >had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 >>martinis a day. >> > >> >Candidate B. >> > >> >He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium >>in college >> >and drinks a quart of whiskey every >>evening. >> > >> >Candidate C. >> > >> >He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, >>only drinks >> >an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. >> > >> > >> > >> >Which of these candidates would be your choice? >> > >> >Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for the response. >> > >> > ------------------------------------------------------- >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> >Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. >> >Candidate B is Winston Churchill. >> >Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. >> > >> >And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you >>said YES, >> >you just killed Beethoven >> > >> > >> > >> >> >> > >
>>Sophisticated Meaning In Bombay >> >>There's a minor problem >>Arre yaar, "Waanda" ho gaya >> >>There's a big problem >>Arre yaar, "Zol" ho gaya >> >>There's a huge problem >>Arre yaar, "Raada" ho gaya >> >>You'll be surprised . >>Ekdam "Hill " jayega tu >> >>I am going out of this place >>Chal apun "Kaltii" marta hai. >> >>Don't make a fool of others >>Dekh , Tu "Shendi" mat laga sabko >> >>Just get out of here, you oversmart fool!! >>Chal e Shaaane, "Hawa" aan de >> >>I am not a stupid out here >>Apun "ALIBAUG" se aayela hai kya? >> >>Do u drink daily? >>Tu kya roz "FULL TO" hota hai? >> >>See, You are afraid.. >> >>Dekh , teri to "FAT" gayi >> >>Shall I just bash u? >> >>E Du kya "Kharcha Pani" ? >> >>Just take him into a secret place >> >>Use jara "Khopche" me leke ja >> >>What a beautiful lady !! >> >>Kya "Zakaas Item" hai yaar!! >> >>What a sensuous lady!! >> >>Kya "Raapchik Maal / Piece" hai yaar!! >> >>Don't just bluff..OK? >> >>E Jyaada "RAAG" / "RAAG PATTI" mat de.. >> >>Ya..she is staring at u.. buddy!!! >> >>Kya sahi "LINE" deti hai "Bhiduu"!! >> >>Don't take much tension.. >> >>Jyaada "LOAD" nahi leneka kya?? >> >>Your clothes are very awkward!! >> >>Kya "ZAGMAG / DHINKCHAAK" pehna tune? >> >>I don't care about it much..!! >> >>Abe yaar , "Hata Saawan Ki Ghata" >> >>Please don't overbore me.. >> >>Jyaada "PAKAA" mat be tu >> >>All this must be done without anyone's notice >> >>Sab kaam "SUUMDI" me hona chahiye.kya?
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.
- Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
- She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
- Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
- Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
- Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
- Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
- Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
- Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place -- you either married it or gave birth to it!
__________________
~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
