One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay.'
An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.
The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"
The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"
For your entertainment, still more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next month.
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
For your entertainment, actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
For your entertainment, more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.
- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
