Jokes

ameen_sep22 · Guru

Jokes

ameen_sep22 · Guru

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver- sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".

911: "is this her first child?".

Man: "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband

ameen_sep22 · Guru

There is always a creative (and permanent) solution to any problem:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

ameen_sep22 · Guru

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

ameen_sep22 · Guru

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

ameen_sep22 · Guru

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

ameen_sep22 · Guru

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!

deadlydivs · Queen

hehe!!! loved d first n last one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more??

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

deadlydivs · Queen

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

deadlydivs · Queen

Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I'm stumped!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

deadlydivs · Queen

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

deadlydivs · Queen

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

deadlydivs · Queen

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

deadlydivs · Queen

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

khush_cool · Guru

hehe......nize ones guys !!!

khush_cool · Guru

> >> >>TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
> >> >>FRANK: Because of the sign.
> >> >>TEACHER: What sign?
> >> >>FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
> >> >> > >>> _________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
> >> >>floor?
> >> >>JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> >> >> >> >>> __________________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Glenn, how
> do you spell "crocodile?"
> >> >>GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
> >> >>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> >> >>GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> >> >> >> >>>

khush_cool · Guru

> >> >>TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> >> >>DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> >> >>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> >> >>
> >> >>DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> >> >> >> >>> __________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
> >> >>didn't have ten years
>ago.
> >> >>WINNIE: Me!
> >> >> >> >>> __________________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> >> >>GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> >> >> >> >>>
> >>_______________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
> >> >>MILLIE: I is...
> >> >>TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
> >> >>MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> >> >> >> >>> > >> >>TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
> >> >>cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why
> >> >>his father didn't punish him?
> >> >>LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
> >> >> >> >>> ______________________________________

khush_cool · Guru

> >> >>TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
> >>
> >> >>eating?
> >> >>SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> >> >> >> >>> ______________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My
>Dog" is exactly the same
> >> >>as your
> >> >>brother's. Did you copy his?
> >> >>CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
> >> >> >> >>> ___________________________________
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
> >> >>when people are no longer interested?
> >> >>HAROLD: A teacher.

deadlydivs · Queen

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

deadlydivs · Queen

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

deadlydivs · Queen

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve.

A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centre line. They were instructed to advance in stages towards the centre line every ten seconds, where the distance from the person to the centre line at each stage is equal to one-half the distance at the past stage.

i.e.: If the starting distance from the wall to centre line was D, the progressive series of distances at t = 0, 10 seconds, 20 seconds...10n seconds to the centre line is (D, D/2, D/4, D/8, .....D/2n)

The question is, when will they meet at the middle?

The mathematician said that they would never meet.

The physicist said they would meet when time equals infinity.

The engineer said that in one minute they would be close enough for all practical purposes.

deadlydivs · Queen

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because he was dead!

What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?
A year older on his birthday!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!

Teacher: Why were you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

deadlydivs · Queen

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

deadlydivs · Queen

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

khush_cool · Guru

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."

________________________________

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him ."

________________________________

khush_cool · Guru

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."

_________________________________

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

_________________________________

Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

khush_cool · Guru

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."
________________________________

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the ****tail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man. "
________________________________

Husband & Wife - Why ?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."

khush_cool · Guru

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to thecenter of the earth? 3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed? 4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"? 5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****? 6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centurieshave a use by date? 9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to ahorrible crisp no one would eat? 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

khush_cool · Guru

1. What do people in China call their good plates?2. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?3. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.4. What do you call male ballerinas?5. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?6. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn'the buy his dinner?7. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?8. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?9. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.what is baby oil made from?10. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

khush_cool · Guru

1. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?2. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere,yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?3. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad,yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?