Assorted jokes

deadlydivs · Queen

Assorted jokes

deadlydivs · Queen

Purchasin Brain Power

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"

deadlydivs · Queen

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

deadlydivs · Queen

Many times, people say that the women species talk too much.

But there's no problem because the male ear is SELECTIVE when it comes to word.

Example.

When the women say:

"This House is a mess, Honey

You and I need to clean this

Your stuff is all on the floor

you will be without clothes

if you don´t wash them now !!!"

....

The male ear only understands:

bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, now !!!

deadlydivs · Queen

1 - Interviewer: what is your birth date?

Sardar: 13 th October
Interviewer: Which year?
Sardar : Oye ullu ke patte _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

2 - Teacher to Sardar: Write your best friend's name in English.
Sardar wrote: ' Beautiful Red Underware'
Teacher: What?
Sardar: His name is Sundar Lal Sheddy

3 - Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

4 - After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

5 - One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this
village???

Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

6 - Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is jayanthi.

7 - Sardar was doing experiment with ****roach, first he cut it's one leg and
told

WALK. WALK. ****roach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.
****roach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's
fourth leg and ordered it walk! But ****roach didn't walked. Suddenly sardar
said loudly, " I found it. If we cut ****roach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

8 - When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted
mirror. Sardar shouted, " You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

9 - Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he
started washing the basin. Seeing this the manager asked what was he doing.
Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

10 - Interviewer: just imagine your in 3 rd floor, it caught fire and how will
you escape?

Sardar : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
.

deadlydivs · Queen

-- Edited by deadlydivs at 14:08, 2006-09-15

deadlydivs · Queen

School days --fun --check this out
It's back again..... even if you've already read this famous fwd, it's worth
reading once more...... DO NOT MISS A SINGLE LINE ...... and the last
one is fantastic

deadlydivs · Queen

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

deadlydivs · Queen

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour.

Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it.

To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

deadlydivs · Queen

A woman called her insurance company to see if her policy covered psychiatric treatment.

After reviewing her policy, the agent told her, "Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause!"

deadlydivs · Queen

Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I'm stumped!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

deadlydivs · Queen

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.

"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm notinterested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

deadlydivs · Queen

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

deadlydivs · Queen

A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born.

She told him she was born in 1935.

"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money.

deadlydivs · Queen

Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!

Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out a night!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

deadlydivs · Queen

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

deadlydivs · Queen

U NO UVE HAD 2 MUCH COFFEE WEN.............

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

deadlydivs · Queen

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step.

Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

deadlydivs · Queen

"This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their 'Path to 9/11' docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's 'Rockin 9/11 Countdown.'." --Bill Maher

RECENT QUIPS

"Democratic leaders in the U.S. Senate have sent a letter to ABC asking them to cancel this big 9/11 docudrama they have coming on this weekend. They call it, 'inaccurate, partisan and right-wing propaganda,' where as Fox calls it 'news.' In the movie, they claim that while he was president, Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate on fighting al Qaeda because the Monica Lewinsky scandal was such a distraction. A distraction? She was under the desk. The papers were on top of the desk. He could see everything." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's is in trouble because he said Cubans and Puerto Ricans are hot-blooded. Arnold said, 'Sorry, when I made those comments, I assumed no one would understand what I was saying'." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

"During a speech earlier today, President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Former officials from the Clinton administration are upset at our network, ABC, because of the miniseries 'The Path to 9/11. They say the movie paints Clinton as soft on terrorism. Which by the way, if he was soft on terrorism, that was the only thing he was soft on." --Jimmy Kimmel

adnan · Guru

yea divya nice work there it seems as the assorted joke section belongs to u lol

sagar_2good · Guru

yea seriously ..... n also the joks arent borin but nice

deadlydivs · Queen

hey guyz thnx.........

INVENTIONZ BOUND 2 FAIL

*The water-proof towel

*Glow in the dark sunglasses

*Solar powered flashlights

*Submarine screen doors

*A book on how to read

*Inflatable dart boards

*A dictionary index

*Dehydrated water - Just add water

*Waterproof tea bags

*The helicopter ejector seat

deadlydivs · Queen

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

deadlydivs · Queen

What is posthumous work?
Something written by someone after they are dead!

What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!

What is the strongest bird?
A crane!

What is the smelliest city in America?
Phew York!

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking!

Who was the best actor in the bible?
Samson, he brought the house down!

What cake wanted to rule the world?
Atilla the Bun!

deadlydivs · Queen

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

deadlydivs · Queen

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

deadlydivs · Queen

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

deadlydivs · Queen

My MOMMA TAUGHT ME.................

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"

11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

deadlydivs · Queen

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.

The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"

deadlydivs · Queen

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."