sum pjs but not tht bad ones.pretty reasonable ones

MackD · Guru

sum pjs but not tht bad ones.pretty reasonable ones

MackD · Guru

Letter frm a sadar to bill gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,

Banta Singh

-- Edited by MackD at 02:05, 2006-06-20

MackD · Guru

Good One for all you "Mallus" out there...........

Kumaran the Mallu , a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming
alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi
Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all
sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik
announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and
she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before
your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while
and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This
was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the
German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain. The Pakistani was next up.
After watching the German in horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was
also led away whimpering loudly.
Kumaran was the last one up, but before he could
say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You
are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the
finest in the world. For this, you may have two
wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,"
Kumaran replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my
first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful
man, you are also very brave."
The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If
100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And what is your
second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Kumaran smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back"!!!

deadlydivs · Queen

hehee!! looved them Umran!!! specially the first one!!!! bt plese keep da jokes in da jokes column naa!!!

keep postin!!!!

MackD · Guru

hie...thnx rre...i actaully didnt knw tht derr was a diff jokes section ..so srry...now i ll keep addin new ones here only...

futuregenious · Web Guru

hey guys,

no tension. ive moved this post to jokes. at least administrator hone kaa kuch to faaida hua! ull cant use this feature. accha, all of u plz tell me if ull want to move any threads or posts to another forum(column).

Regards,

Varun

MackD · Guru

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

MackD · Guru

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

MackD · Guru

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

MackD · Guru

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

MackD · Guru

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. ‘Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!’

‘But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.’

‘Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.’

‘Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!’

‘Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.’

‘Give me two reasons why I should go to school.’

‘Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!

MackD · Guru

Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he’s too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn’t leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries ‘MAN! How many bars do you work at?’

deadlydivs · Queen

chemists last words...........

1. And now, the taste test.

2. Are we supposed to heat that?

3. And now a little bit from this...

4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunsen burner *is* out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...

11. Oh, now I have spilt something...

12. First the acid, then the water...

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

16. O no, wrong beaker...

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away...

19. And now, keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel how long 15 seconds are!

22. Something is wrong here...

23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette...

deadlydivs · Queen

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

-- Edited by deadlydivs at 23:36, 2006-06-28

MackD · Guru

A Sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard Iqbal stops him and says, What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike. Iqbal's guards take the bags and rips them apart; empty them out and find nothing in them but sand. He detains the Sardarji overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the Sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, heaves them on to the Sardarji 's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?
'Sand,' says the Sardarji. Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardarji, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji, doesn't show up and one day and the guard meets him in a 'dhaba' in Islamabad. 'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?' The Sardarji, sips his Lassi and says, 'bikes'. . . . . . . . . . . .

deadlydivs · Queen

*Phone ringz*

Man: if its 4 me, say im not at home!

Wife *answerz the phone*:Hello? My husband is at home, call later.

Man: U stupid lady!! i told u 2 say im not at home! R u dumb!! whyd u say im at home????

Wife: u see it wasnt 4 u hon. it was for me.............

MackD · Guru

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "then you ask him".

MackD · Guru

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

MackD · Guru

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

deadlydivs · Queen

knock knock

Whos there?

Yule.

Yule who?

Yule never know unless you open the door!

MackD · Guru

Heaven And Hell
In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

MackD · Guru

The Cliff And The Blondes.
A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?

The dumb blonde because smart blondes don't exist.

MackD · Guru

Drivers Licence
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

MackD · Guru

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

MackD · Guru

Bowling Team
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

MackD · Guru

Thermos Flask
Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

MackD · Guru

Answering Machine
Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home. Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

MackD · Guru

Free Punjab
There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

MackD · Guru

What do SMART Sardars and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

MackD · Guru

Why did the Sardars stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Oh look, Daddy...Donut seeds