Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
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This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
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Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: >>"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, >>please sanction me one-week leave." >> >>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >> >> >>· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was >>performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: >>"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.." >> >>>>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was >>performing his daughter's wedding: >> "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>·
>> From H.A.L. Administration Dept: >>"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, >>please grant me 10 days leave." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: >>"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not >>return, please grant me half day casual leave" >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· An incident of a leave letter: >> "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· A leave letter to the headmaster: >> "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request >> you to leave me today" >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Another leave letter written to the headmaster: >> "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Covering note: >> "I am enclosed herewith..." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Another one: >> "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Actual letter written for application of leave: >>"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home >>I may be granted leave". >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· Letter writing:- >> "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well." >> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >>· A candidate's job application: >>"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an >>Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several >>years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the >>post. >> >>Na Jaane Kya Hoga Is Desh Ka >>
Customer service at its best....* *Read On...* > > >CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020* >* >Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..." > >Customer: "Heloo, can I order.." > >Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?" >Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610" > >Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan >Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile >is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?" > >Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone >numbers >? > >Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir" > >Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..." > >Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir" > >Customer: >"How come?" > >Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood >pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir" > >Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?" > >Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it" > >Customer: "How do you know for sure?" > >Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from >the National Library last week Sir" > >Customer: " OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much >will that cost?" > >Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total >is $49.99" > >Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?" > >Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is >over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. >That's not including the late payment charges on your housing >loan, >Sir." > >Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhoods ATM and withdraw >some cash before your guy arrives" > >Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your >daily limit on machine withdrawal today" > >Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas; I'll have the cash ready. >How long is it going to take anyway?" > >Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always >come and collect it on your motorcycle..." > >Customer: “What!" > >Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a >Scooter...registration number 1123..." > >Customer: “????" > >Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?" > >Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free >bottles of cola as advertised?" > >Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're >also > >diabetic....... “ > >Customer: >#$$^%&$@$% > >Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you >were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?" > >Customer: *Faints*
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes > > >(Must Read Out Loud) > > >1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong > >2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding > >3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia > >4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai > >5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni > >6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan > >7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni > >8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat > >9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim > >10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching > >11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King > >12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao > >13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo > >14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka > >15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose! The one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
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A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!"
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There were three men walking down the street. One was called Poo, the other Shut-Up, and the last was Manners. As they were walking around a corner, Poo fell down a manhole. Manners stayed with him while Shut-Up went to find someone to help. After a while Shut-Up managed to find a police-man. He asked the police-man for help and the he agreed, but first he wanted to know Shut-Up's name. He replied "Shut-Up," and the police-man said that was not very nice so he asked again what his name was. "Shut-Up," he replied yet again. The police-man asked once again what his name was. "SHUT-UP!" he shouted. The police-man annoyed said to him, "Where are your manners?" Shut-Up replied "Round the corner picking up poo."
1. A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!. ------------------------------------------------ 2. Sardar-why r all these people running? Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?
4. Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After thinking a lot..he wrote: Yes! ---------------------------------------------------
5. Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant:it's already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go. ---------------------------------------------------
6. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.
8. Sardar's wish :when I die, I want to die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..
--------------------------------------------------- 9. Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror! --------------------------------------------------- 10. Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly? Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast. --------------------------------------------------- 11. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more.. --------------------------------------------------- 12. A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking in the evening & not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
w-ellll.......not exactly...i mean..im act frm kolkatta....but don't really look like one...coz act my mums frm del..or better...frm amritsar..n my dads frm kolkatta....so i ALWAYS get messed up...
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it.
The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
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