When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?" ________________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
"By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.
The next day, the same highway, the same car, the same guy, the same cop and the same penguins - only this time the penguins were all wearing sunglasses! The cop pulled the guy over and said, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
"I did" said the guy, "Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
What is the best day of the week to sleep? Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb? A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky? Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean? A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water? A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient? Because it is scent wherever it goes!
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday. Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells? What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality Well, you'd better both sit down then!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair!
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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~*~*~*~g@lz wId a$$e$ lIkE mInE, dOnT t@lK 2 gUyZ wId f@cEs LiKe uRz~*~*~*~
~!~!~!G|_|RL P()W3R~!~!~!
