Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement.
J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'. Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local jobs.
Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for them.
Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time - runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual, India is nowhere in the picture!)
Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken) because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around 1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta called "Bar-Bar"
San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi' which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." 

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." 

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" 

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?" 

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" 

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.

If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade. All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.

If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and ideological correctness. I am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).

No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.

Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right.

If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.

No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not if you want to get dates.

If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.

Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
_____________________________________________

a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will not have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to forgive after a fight.

b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.

c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a gorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings of your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.

d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up horniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be even able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and undignified tactics, like fantasizing about Sridevi when you are in bed.

Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns on them very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven apes in their presence, when they observe that they get things done twice as quickly in a government office.

As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men vying with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.

b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time. Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovely as she is. A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.

c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be particularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much virtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. A virtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.

d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage too. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not make her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more lovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by her male colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much more temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about this... how would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? How many times would you refuse?

How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your parents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out when they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested in earthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex). It is not considered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indian circles.

Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your parents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming after caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the girl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your list of priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marry anyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will prevent them from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking their responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.

Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to marry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most sons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later, there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over her son's affections and loyalties. Since women are extremely conscious of their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautiful woman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in an argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt the scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife will probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression. So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who are less attractive than she perceives herself to be.

Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself that you deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so good-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?" Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that has been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that your looks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as a prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to arranged marriages here). She will be weighing your earning potential, green-card potential etc. Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" has articles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to meet successful men".

You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of your life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of it. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do not be ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.

How to check whether she is beautiful.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually have been so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and other irregularities removed, that the end product has little in common with the original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent to send you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.

These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to take an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable age. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and western. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states. During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative source that many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicing the girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimes professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's good-looking sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision based merely on photographs!

Darshan
^^^^^^^

Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that, while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduate on grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. She KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so that she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes, she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their positive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws, and work systematically towards concealing them.

So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be overweight. That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her midriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely around her back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly and sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas? She is probably holding her paunch in.

So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot very well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously bad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is the following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states ,that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is not willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you are probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like to see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you can be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure, she will make damned sure that you see it.

A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy thighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they are so popular. If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warning bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom and midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not stand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to the same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.

Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make damned sure that you will see it.

One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not dressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they keep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at the corner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash diets during the wedding season, starving themselves or going to professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get into presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it all back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years ago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.

If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up to look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can tell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the help of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or other relative. She can easily see through the disguise and give you unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a sister, you had better start being nice to her.

Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state business. 

The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't go through. They don't want to be associated with  your country. They tell me it's filthy and the  citizens just **** on the streets." 

"That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk, isn't that someone ****ting on your fine  sidewalk?" he points out the window where there  is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk. 

The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver, Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that ****ting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops the the car and takes out a gun. 

After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him." 

"Why the hell not?" yells the Russian. 

"Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."

For long, India's colonial rulers divided the country's population by the numbers. And as current-day politicians continue with that unholy task, we present a shortcut to make their work easier. Here's distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers: 

MALAYALEES 

One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop. 
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket. 
Four Malayalees is an oilslick. 

TAMILIANS 
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler. 
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad. 
Three Tamilians is a classical music school. 
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club. 

ANDHRAITES 
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver. 
Two Andhraites is a spice shop. 
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. 
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry. 

BENGALIS 
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop. 
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie. 
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group. 
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement. 

RAJASTHANIS 
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller. 
Two Rajasthanis is a mason. 
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show. 
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama. 

GOANS 
One Goan is Remo Fernandes. 
Two Goans is a Feni distillery. 
Three Goans is a football club. 
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party. 

MANGALOREANS 
One Mangalorean is a supari seller. 
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another. 
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant. 
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha. 

BOMBAYITES 
One Bombayite is a hawker. 
Two Bombayites is a film industry. 
Three Bombayites is a slum. 
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd. 

MAHARASHTRIANS 
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor. 
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match. 
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession. 
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha. 

GUJARATIS 
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. 
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train. 
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train. 
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.

KUTCHIES 
One Kutchi is a kirana shop. 
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop. 
Three Kutchis is a saree shop. 
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade. 

SARDARJIS 
One Sardarji is a truck-driver. 
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba. 
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit. 
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes. 

SINDHIS 
One Sindhi is a currency racket. 
Two Sindhis is a papad factory. 
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop. 
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!). 

BIHARIS 
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. 
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. 
Three Biharis is a caste killing. 
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state. 

BHAIYYAS 
One Bhaiyya is a milkman. 
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala). 
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad. 
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. 
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family). 

KASHMIRIS 
One Kashmiri is a boatman. 
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. 
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency. 
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. 

KANNADIGAS 
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate. 
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant. 
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor. 
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad. 

PUNJABIS 
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week. 
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night. 
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight. 
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight. 

PARSIS 
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC's and MC's. 
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer. 
Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population. 

PAKISTANIS 
One Pakistani is one too many.............. 

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!! And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS .... !! ??MY FATHER ?MY GRANDSON?MY DAUGHTER?MY MOTHER?MY WIFES MOTHER IN LAW?

Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

• ARTICLE I:
  

  The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

  
  
• ARTICLE II:
  

  Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:
  

  
  
  • Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
  
  
• ARTICLE III:
  

  All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

  
  
• ARTICLE IV:
  

  Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
  

  
  
  • Cars (IV,1,a-c):
    
    
    
    1. Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
       
    2. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
       
    3. Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
    
    
  • Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
    

    All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.

  
  

  Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

  
  
• ARTICLE V:
  

  All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

  
  
• ARTICLE VI:
  

  In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

  
  
• ARTICLE VII:
  
  
  
  1. Rights of way:
     

     Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

     
     
  2. Lane discipline (VII,1):
     

     All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.

  
  
• ARTICLE VIII:
  

  Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

  
  
• ARTICLE IX:
  

  Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
  

  Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

  
  
• ARTICLE X:
  

  Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

  
  
• ARTICLE XI:
  

  Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste. 9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case. 8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM (like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years. 7. You like Broccoli. 6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV. 5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right." 4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a "Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on. 3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird. 2. You refer to India as a Third World Country. 1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in Asian Jokes & Funny Pictures.

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself. 

As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?" 

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee" 

Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me." 

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around. 

Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day". 

Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. 

Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time. 

Gulati : "Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't compete with a world champion" 

Gary : "How about if I play left handed ?" 

Gulati : [Think.. Think..] "OK!" 

Gulati is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh. 

Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed... 

Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago. 

Monday night, 10 pm 

Girl: Hello? 

Boy: (****, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---? 

Girl: Speaking. 

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!) 

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right? 

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a real relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!) 

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually called!) 

Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be wife?) 

Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great stupid start) 

Boy: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!) 

Girl: Yes. 

Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work? 

Girl: Merrill Lynch. 

Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!) 

Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser) 

Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!) 

Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!) 

Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you like to do in your free time? 

Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies. 

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY? 

Girl: (****, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...) 

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also. 

Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston? 

Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that. 

Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston? 

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!) 

Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out. 

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt) 

Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So... 

Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime. 

Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great. 

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out? 

Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful) 

Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate) 

Girl: Coo

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike

Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.

If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.

If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.

If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.

Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.

Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.

If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.

If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.

Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.

Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.

A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.

A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.

For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.

For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel

 

Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi.

Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of...

 Khidkiyan97:
 Phaail = File
 Bachao = Save
 Aise Bachao = Save as
 Subko Bachao = Save All
 Mujhe Bachao = Help
 Dhoondo = Find
 Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
 Hilao = Move
 Daak = Mail
 Daakiya = Mailer
 Paas se dhekho = Zoom
 Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
 Kholo = Open
 Bandh Karo = Close
 Naya = New
 Khatara = Old
 Badli Karo = Replace
 Bhaago = Run
 Chhaapo = Print
 Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
 Kaapi = Copy
 Kaato = Cut
 Kato = Stupid Houseguest
 Chipkao = Paste
 Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
 Goli Maaro = Delete
 Nazaara = View
 Hathiyaar = Tools
 Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
 Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
 Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
 Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
 Ped = Tree
 Thooso = Compress
 Chooha = mouse
 Tik-Tik Karo = Click
 Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
 Cheers !

10. A chain of "Bhaskar-RaoBins" ice cream stores all over the country, in collaboration with Baskin Robins. 

9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration with Parameswaran & Co. 

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named, "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore. 

7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur. PICHHE = means back-alleys for the uneducated 6

. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named: "McDosalu". Hqs. Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa. 

5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to be headquartered at Madras. 

4. Red Carpets colored with biodegradable (hence environmentally friendly) red PAAN. Juice extracts will enjoy duty-free status in US. 

3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS, to teach Indians how to play Football.... with hands. 

2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used outside of Demolition Derby. 

1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM".