A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

USA Today:
We're Dead

The Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated:
Game Over

Wired:
The Last New Thing

Rolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest: 'Bye

Discover Magazine:
How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide:
Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady's Home Journal:
Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A ****-eyed spaniel!

Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"

One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.

Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.

The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was again hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

Again, the good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, I told you that's evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.

Again, Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.

The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was still hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

Mother Nature appeared, and, abracadabra! Little Rabbit FooFoo was turned into an ugly goon, never to terrorize mice again.

The moral?

Hare today, goon tomorrow...

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

"Yes, sir, they were."

"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

"Yes, sir, she did."

"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"

"She said, 'What disco am I at?'"

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

u might be a redneck if..............

- You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

- You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

- Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

- You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.

- Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.

"There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.